Sometimes I feel like my mere presence causes nothing but problems. Do I just offend and annoy people? Is there something wrong with me? I hate thinking this way because these are the moments where I am furthest from God.
Today I went to the goodwill. I was looking for some clothing so I can upcycle and refashion! This is a new hobby of mine. Turning something old or ugly and making it new! It is really fun because the clothing you make is unique and one of a kind! In a recent post I had mentioned that I have been getting into the 50s style lately. Just my luck, I found a gorgeous 50s style navy blue dress that Is beautiful itself but I could have done something with it. I tried it on and the more I wore it and looked at myself in the mirror, I realized that it was perfect the way it was. I decided to buy it anyways.
When my grandma came home (By the way for those of you who don’t know, I live in a house with my pregnant mom, step dad, grandma, grandpa and great grandma) she went into my great grandma’s room to watch her novellas (haha). I had showed the dress to momo (my great grandma) earlier, so I wanted to show my grandma. I put up my hair into a bandanna and put on my favorite lipstick and I showed her! They loved it and complemented me. Then my mom walked in. My mom has a way of being brutally honest. She tells me “I don’t like that color lipstick on you”. The lipstick she bought me…. She was there when I tried it on… and now she doesn’t like it…. This is Kat Von D lipstick… $19 dollars…. each….
And that is when Hell froze over
Momo and Mom Conversation
“She is 18 years old!!! She can do what she wants!!!!”
“She’s my kid, I tell her what I want!!!!”
“She’s not your slave!”
“This is what your doing, this is what I need you to do! (yes she quoted master of disguise)”
“BLAHH BLAHHHH BLAHHH BLAHHH!!!!!!!”
“BLAHHHH BLAHHHH BLAHHHH BLAHHHH!!!!!!”
Meanwhile my grandma and I don’t know what to do so we are just like….
After a little bit of arguing, me and my mom left the room and went into our separate bedrooms. I then heard my grandma and momo arguing. My grandma slammed her door and I knew she was mad because the novella hadn’t finished yet. She then went into my mom’s room and told her to stay out of momo’s room because every time she goes in there, she starts nothing but problems. My mom is furious and starts yelling back at her and utters something I wish she wouldn’t have said.
“Just cancel my baby shower!!!”
The baby shower that is this Saturday that grandma and I have been working so hard on? The baby shower that I have been making decorations for? I can’t get the darn pink spray paint off of my hands for YOU and YOU want to just cancel it? Excuse me but you are just acting like a child, mother. You have complained for as long as I have lived that when you were pregnant with me, Grandma never through you a baby shower because she was too embarrassed. Now she is throwing you a HUGE one and you are canceling it because you are mad.
Fights like these happen often in my home. Part of me feels like I need to leave. The other half wants me to stay. I had so much guilt when I left my family for college. Nobody in my family has ever left out of town for college before. So when I tell people that I have to call my family more than 2x a day, they get freaked out. We are so close, so it is weird that I am gone. I have never been away from my mom for more than 4 days. My grandma is so close to me that she is depressed that I am out of the house. Whenever she is going through problems or she just needs to talk, I stay up with her and listen to her. We stay up sometimes till 2am just talking. I can tell her everything. My mom and stepdad are looking for a house. It isn’t going so well. I hate to move. I hate leaving this house. But the reason is because I hate leaving my grandma.
After I graduate I would like to continue on my education and get my Masters in criminology. There is even an internship I can apply to for the FBI. How cool is that? If I got accepted I would have a set job with them. The problem… it’s in Dallas. How could I leave South Texas and Move to North Texas? It is so far away! I can’t leave my family just like that. I can’t. Especially not with a baby sister on the way. I will have a close relationship with her. I don’t care what people say. I will make it happen. It’s just right now. I am tied. I don’t know what to do. I would miss my family too much to leave South Texas permanently. I know it is a lot of thinking ahead but even if I don’t go with the FBI, with the Criminal Justice field, the best place is a large city. Dallas or even Houston would be perfect for me. Maybe I can stay in San Antonio…That isn’t too far away.
Right now I am at a lonely stage in my life. I cut out a lot of said “friends” from my life. I lost my best friend. My family is just tearing apart slowly. I don’t exactly know who to trust anymore. The one person who actually wants to talk to me, I don’t like. The one person I want to hang out with lives a few hundred miles away (I know you’re reading this).
My life is just screwed up right now. I feel like the closer I try to get to God, the more the devil is trying to wreck me.
All because of Red Lipstick that wasn’t my shade.