So there is this guy…

This pretty much sums it up. I like this boy and I don’t know what to do.

Some of my friends are telling me to tell him while the other group of friends are telling me to wait. I feel like I should wait but why is this the most burning thing ever? I’ve been praying about it but I feel like I am still crushed on the inside. Part of me wants to tell him because I feel like he doesn’t like me. It would be better to tell him now than to wait 5 years, right?

I keep making excuses. Maybe he is just a super nice guy who is friendly to everyone. Maybe I am taking his kindness for flirting.

You know how they say girls fall for men who are like their father? Well due to the fact that I didn’t have my father in my life, the next closest “father figure” was my grandfather… and guess what?… This guy reminds me exactly of my grandfather… It is hard to explain why. I look at the way both of them serve the church and have such a generous heart to others. I mean, I have met a lot of guys with similar characteristics but none that remind me of my grandfather. It is weird but kind of nice.

And that is where the trouble comes in. I like this guy A LOT and I feel like I don’t deserve him, so why would he like me? What is so special about me? I don’t want to sound like I have pity on myself but there really is something special I like about him and I am not sure if I can reach that level of awesomeness. (HAHA)  As corny as this sounds, he makes me want to be a better person. I know it may sound wrong but him being in my life has , in a way, “highlighted” everything I have been doing wrong and everything I should be striding for.

I feel so comfortable around him but I can get so nervous that I will just keep talking and talking. I have been super shy around him and I am not sure. I have never done this before… EVER. I keep doing this around him

Like who does this!?!?!?! ugh

Anyways… I am just going to get ready for class now…

When the Clock Strikes Midnight…

Something I am very picky about are the boys I crush on. I don’t really expect too much but I would at least like for them to have some stride for a future. Is that too much to ask? I am not too big on appearance, I think personality overpowers appearance but that is just me. However if you are dressing like a homeless person, that is a different story. Unless you have a beard (you know…. because some homeless people have beards) but if it’s a Gandolf beard… whatever I am getting off track. My point is…I typically don’t care what you look like if you have a good personality… you’re attractive to me. Is that weird?

When I do crush on someone and I can’t picture a future with them (I know this sounds creepy) I instantly stop crushing on them. But to me, what is the point of spending all that time crushing on someone who you might not even end up with… let alone have a future with? Again, is that weird?

Now drifting off on a sort of different subject… have you heard that song “Cinderella” By Steven Curtis Chapman? That song makes me bawl like a baby. You know… girl that had no father growing up…. Song hits me every time. But every time I hear that song, It makes me think about if I had a daughter. I know it sounds very far into the future… but what if.

I want a husband to take care of my children the way I wish I could have been. My mom was both my mother and father. And I can’t thank her enough. However I want my daughter(s) to be able to learn how to dance, to learn how to properly be taken out on a date, and how a man should treat them. I never got any of that and I expect more for my children.

Little Black Book

Hello everyone! It is 3:42 am Monday morning as I start to write this, I can’t sleep but that is nothing new. I have been in my hermit shell studying since Thursday night and left my apartment only three times. Twice to go to the gym and once to go pick up eggs. My roommate for some reason keeps changing the settings (I keep having to change it back) in our fridge from ‘normal’ to ‘coldest’ and it was so cold that it cracked and froze my eggs.

I have four tests this coming week (PRAY FOR ME). So I guess being in my room all weekend has its advantages.

I had a little extra time to do stuff so I decided to clean up my room a bit and I found this book that I always knew I had but I haven’t read it in a while. A few years ago my mom gave it to me on Valentine’s Day along with my favorite bible. It is called “The Little Black Book” and it is for Teenagers/Young Adults. It is a Christian book about life. It is amazing and I forgot how deep and hard it hits you. For example in the relationship section it will straight up tell you how to know if your relationship is Christ centered or lust centered. It tells you the things you need to work on before you get married. It literally tells you about life.

I came across this section and it made me stop and think. I generally *try* to be a very positive person. When I walk to class I smile at everyone because you never know who is having a bad day and a smile is contagious. But I realized that complain a lot. Especially on here or to a close friend. It is usually about dumb stuff too. About drama with an ex friend, family, roommate, school, money problems… you name it. My friend says it is because I am an extrovert and I just need to talk things about. But I hate the feeling of over whelming someone with all my drama. And plus what is the use? I don’t really feel better after. I always feel better after a good cry though haha that is my comfort tool… and I will admit it. I LOVE TO CRY (I wonder if there is an intervention for people like me?) Hi my name is Alissa and I excessively cry my feelings.

Anyways the point of this post is that I really have nothing to complain about. My life is great. God has blessed me with another day. I should be happy and thanking him every moment.

On a side note I honestly don’t like being a hermit. Haha so I have been wanting to join a few things around campus (and off campus) and I am really excited to be starting these things. I sent an email off to volunteer at the SAAFE House. Which would be so amazing to help out with that! (The SAAFE House is a shelter for for women and children who have been sexually assaulted and abused) I have always wanted to help out with something like this so I am very excited. And once I get 40 Volunteer hours with them I can become a rape crisis or a legal advocate (my choice) which would be phenomenal. This is another field in Criminal Justice that I have been interested in. I am trying to expand my views because I am literally interested in EVERYTHING in Criminal Justice.

I have joined the Forensic Society. I love this club so much. We get to go on prison tours! I went on one last year and the guard was super nice! He bought us any food they offered from commissary. We all wanted to go down the cell blocks but because it was just a group of girls, we couldn’t. We were getting catcalled as it was. Have you ever been cat called by a bunch of prisoners who haven’t seen girls in years? I have. It isn’t very nice.

I also want to volunteer at the Body Farm at my school. I just finished my volunteer application but the only thing holding me back from sending it is the fact that I need to get four shots. It would cost over $100 dollars to do it here and right now, I don’t have that money. If I wait till I go back home my insurance can cover it. But here is another catch. For some reason, we can’t find my immunization records. I might have already gotten the shots. So I have been on edge on whether or not I should send my application.

Another thing I wanted to do was a non Greek life fraternity (so girls are welcomed) called Lambda Alpha Epsilon. It is a very famous Criminal Justice Organization that can open a lot of doors for me. Many scholarships are involved as well. I was going to join a Christian Sorority but I decided not to after realizing they really aren’t true to what they say they are for.

The last club that I want to join is this amazing thing called Project Sunshine! Doesn’t that just make you happy saying it? It is an organization, which provides numerous free programs and services to children with disabilities and/or special needs. This would make me so happy. You don’t even understand. My favorite part about swimming in high school was the fact that we would have to volunteer at the Special Olympics. One year I was in the pool helping them swim to the finish line and the next year I was an escort helping them to the starting line. When I found out about this club, I lit up. I can’t wait to start with them!

So I have finally got my act together and have started editing a *new* draft to a constitution to a start up a roller derby team here at my school. I have had this vision since the beginning of last year and I finally decided after many pushes (*cough David*) that “Okay I need to do this”. So here we are. Hopefully I can get some help from the DOSO (Dean of Students Office) so I can perfect it and send it off for review in less than 2 weeks. We shall see! The big question is still “Where the heck are we supposed to skate?”

Well guys that is what is new with me! haha wow it is 5:24am and I wrote a lot more than expected. Don’t forget to thank God for waking up today! Try to be a light in someone’s life. Smile! It is contagious 🙂

Hey ‘Black Balloon’ By The Goo Goo Dolls just came on my ipod! (Just an FYI)

 

But I Don’t Do Anime…

In a few weeks I will be attending something I attend every single year. This will be my 6th year. I never miss it. Realms Con. This is like Comic Con for all the Anime lovers out there! There is something about about an anime convention that is so satisfying. Even if you don’t do anime, this is something incredibly fun to go to!

You get to see people cosplay (dressing up) in their favorite characters, anime or not. You see some Crazy  things but the fact that people aren’t afraid or embarrassed to be themselves is so worth it. You see people in all shapes, sizes, colors, genders cosplay as the same thing and it is beautiful. Seeing a plus size girl who isn’t afraid to wear a sailor moon outfit is amazing and there is bound to be another one!

Maybe the reason I like these conventions so much is because people aren’t going to judge you. Because more than likely they feel just as stupid in their costume, they have no reason to be judging anyone else. These conventions, Realms Con, Comic Con, San Japan, You name it, are just full of support and people who love to take pictures with you (especially if your outfit is unique or something that nobody thought of cosplaying as). One thing I have learned is that, it is better to dress up and look stupid then to not dress up at all. If you don’t cosplay or dress up as something, You will be the one standing out.

This year (same as a few years ago) I am dressing up steampunk. You can never go wrong with steampunk. For those of you who don’t know what that is, I will post some pictures down below to give you an idea. But it is a futuristic Victorian style. Steampunk can be in anything. Music, movies, fashion, makeup. There is something about the style that is just amazing to me.

 

Because this “era” takes place during the industialized Western civilization of 19th century. Everything is mostly powered by steam. Hence the name “Steampunk”.

I am pretty much ready for the convention. I am just working on the upper half of my outfit and it should be complete. I have the boots, the spats, the skirt, the jewelry and I am debating whether or not I should get a new top hat (Nerd problems). and Of course I have my weapons!

This whole music video is Steampunk By the way! and if anyone cares to make me that net launcher at 2:57 It would be much appreciated.

 

I came across this video and in like 4 minutes this video pretty much sums up this whole post.

 

There wasn’t really much to this post. Just a little lesson on anime conventions and steampunk. However if you do decide to ever dress in a steampunk fashion….

 

Don’t forget your welders goggles.

 

 

 

The Diary of a Plus Size Roller Derby Girl!

It is about time I talk some derby! This is my 12th post on this blog. The number 12 happens to be my favorite number, my lucky number, the day I was born, my derby number and the size pants I would like to fit into one day (haha).

Now if you haven’t caught on by my previous posts (or the title) I am a plus size girl. I am not embarrassed to say that. Why be embarrassed of something you can’t hide? Honestly I have been overweight my whole life. It’s not something new to me. However I realized that if I really don’t lose weight, how do I expect to go into the career field I am entering? So this weight loss journey… It is kind of a now or never type deal. What is awful about me saying this is that I have been saying things like this for the past 8 or so years. That is how long I have been attempting to lose weight. I feel like it is just going to be me saying it again and failing. I hate failing. Especially when it involves my weight. Now THAT embarrasses me. I was always bad at sports because of my weight but roller derby was different.

 

Look it’s me 😀

When I went to my first practice, I was a bit intimidated because these girls that were skating were FAST. I wanted to quit the first day because I could barely stand on my skates. After I got the hang of it, I fell in love! This sport was not like any other. My weight can be seen as a good thing. I can easily block other players and knock them out of bounds. It was nice to be good at a sport for once. I wasn’t the fastest skater but yet the fastest skater wasn’t the strongest. That is what made the team. Everyone had their own strengths and we helped each other on our weaknesses. It didn’t matter that I was over weight.

Now even though there are plenty (and hopefully someone out there can vouch for me) of plus size derby girls, do you know how hard it is to find plus size derby clothing? I can’t find a pair of hot pants to fit my assests. For those of you that don’t know what hot pants are…

These attractive babies….

If anyone out there knows of a decently priced online derby store with plus sizes, help a fellow derby sister out! Or if you know the pattern to these, I know how to sew! (I have been trying to find a tutorial but I can’t find a decent one).

I have been out of derby for about a year now. It is killing me on the inside. Everybody knows that derby is basically muscle memory. So it is going to be awhile of me skating before I get my skills back. I get shin splints very easily when I am doing any form of skating and I am sure it has to do with my weight. They are so painful. I went ice skating a few months ago and I had to stop often because of them. It was really embarrassing because I am a good skater but it’s time to get back into shape. And I don’t just mean healthy, lose weight, shape. I am talking about DERBY SHAPE. It doesn’t really matter what size you are to beast at derby. Anyone who has been to a bout can tell you that. I want to gain muscle in the process. Is that a ridiculous statement? It is not like I am going to turn into Starla from Napoleon Dynamite…

Not at all…. I want to be more like…. Booty Quake…

I am not saying I want to be her weight or anything (I will go back to her in a bit)! That is not at all what I am saying. I have a goal weight and I set this goal weight with my doctor. *Cough cough 160-170* Which still seems like a lot. Especially to other girls. I went to a nutritionist recently and after they calculated my muscle, bone structure, blah blah blah all that jazz they told me that I was supposed to weigh about 165. This gives me so much more relief because this whole time I thought I was supposed to weigh in the 120 area. No way that was ever going to happen. EVER. I still have a bit of a challenge that is ahead of me.

Now back to Booty Quake. She is one of my favorite derby girls. She has a youtube channel titled “Roller Derby Athletics” and she post workout videos to help roller derby girls! How awesome is that? On and off the track! I recommend her videos to anyone who is 1.Trying to get better at roller derby outside of practice 2. Trying to lose weight 3. Needs a new workout routine 4. Just Because

Next on my list is clean eating. Why does food have to be so delicious. I don’t really have much of a sweet tooth (O but put my favorite ice cream in front of me and I do) I am more of the carboholic. I am addicted to chips. Chips. Please don’t put me and chips together. Ever. Clean eating can be hard when the fattening and fast food is cheap and the healthier food that you have to prepare can get kind of pricey.

If anyone out there, roller derby or not has any workout or healthy eating advice (on a budget) I am a college student so money isn’t the most plentiful thing!

 

 

 

Thank you everyone! 🙂 And remember that anybody can be a roller derby girl. Size 0 or size 30!  I am proof! If I can do it you can do it too! Don’t get discouraged your first couple of months… improvement takes time! So what are you going to do now?

Hey those last two pictures are both Kristen Wigg!!!! (I did not plan that)

The reason I can’t sleep at night…

If you took the time to know me, you would know that I don’t do well under stress. Too much stress  and I will break which equals to me crying. I think crying is just some sort of coping tool I use. I cry when I am happy, sad, nervous, too angry, stressed… just over all Emotional. I talked about this in my first post so I am not going to get into too much detail.

I have been talking about it here and there but it really just hit me. I am gonna have a sibling. Like what? I always tell my friends they are like my sister’s or brother’s and it’s true because I genuinely care for them like they are family. But the fact that I am gonna have this living, small, bundle of pink joy… what? After 19 years? There is a 16 year age difference between me and my mom and there is going to be a 19 year age difference between me and my sister? I can’t fathom. I can be her mom. Things keep going through my head. “What if she doesn’t like me?” “I am more of comic book/hardrock/roller derby type girl, what if she grows up to be the biggest girly girl who wants to be a ballerina and she ends up hating me?” (yes people… this is literally what comes to my mind at 3am)

I had multiple people tell me that she will probably think of me more like an aunt. I can’t let that happen. I will do anything to prevent that from happening. I never had siblings. I don’t want to wreck the one chance of actually having a relationship with one. I just hate the fact that I will be 37 when she goes off to college…. aye.

On a side note, we found a house. Well my grandpa found a house. He bought it and will rent it out to my parents. However it needs some repairs. We should be moved in by November. At least we aren’t leaving Corpus… Yet. For a long while, my stepdad was wanting to look for a job in San Antonio. If things don’t get financially better for us, We may have to move. It won’t be for a while though (hopefully).

I am going to try and apply for a few jobs when I get back to school. My education is costing about $2,000 more this Fall semester compared to last semester. I am taking an extra class and another is online (which is a bit more). I had some money saved from financial aid but I used it to pay for summer classes. For some reason it doesn’t apply until the Spring semester. So I am stuck here riding the struggle bus in the Fall. Until Spring comes then I be like…

I have been praying something comes through. My mom tells me not to worry about it. How can I possibly not worry about it? She works her butt off as it is! Now she has to support another human being?

Just some things that I think about at night….

Maybe I Do Need To Get Out Of Here…

Sometimes I feel like my mere presence causes nothing but problems. Do I just offend and annoy people? Is there something wrong with me? I hate thinking this way because these are the moments where I am furthest from God.

Today I went to the goodwill. I was looking for some clothing so I can upcycle and refashion! This is a new hobby of mine. Turning something old or ugly and making it new! It is really fun because the clothing you make is unique and one of a kind!  In a recent post I had mentioned that I have been getting into the 50s style lately. Just my luck, I found a gorgeous 50s style navy blue dress that Is beautiful itself but I could have done something with it. I tried it on and the more I wore it and looked at myself in the mirror, I realized that it was perfect the way it was. I decided to buy it anyways.

When my grandma came home (By the way for those of you who don’t know, I live in a house with my pregnant mom, step dad, grandma, grandpa and great grandma) she went into my great grandma’s room to watch her novellas (haha). I had showed the dress to momo (my great grandma) earlier, so I wanted to show my grandma. I put up my hair into a bandanna and put on my favorite lipstick and I showed her! They loved it and complemented me. Then my mom walked in. My mom has a way of being brutally honest. She tells me “I don’t like that color lipstick on you”. The lipstick she bought me…. She was there when I tried it on… and now she doesn’t like it…. This is Kat Von D lipstick… $19 dollars…. each….

And that is when Hell froze over

Momo and Mom Conversation

“She is 18 years old!!! She can do what she wants!!!!”

“She’s my kid, I tell her what I want!!!!”

“She’s not your slave!”

“This is what your doing, this is what I need you to do! (yes she quoted master of disguise)”

“BLAHH BLAHHHH BLAHHH BLAHHH!!!!!!!”

“BLAHHHH BLAHHHH BLAHHHH BLAHHHH!!!!!!”

Meanwhile my grandma and I don’t know what to do so we are just like….

 

After a little bit of arguing, me and my mom left the room and went into our separate bedrooms. I then heard my grandma and momo arguing. My grandma slammed her door and I knew she was mad because the novella hadn’t finished yet. She then went into my mom’s room and told her to stay out of momo’s room because every time she goes in there, she starts nothing but problems. My mom is furious and starts yelling back at her and utters something I wish she wouldn’t have said.

“Just cancel my baby shower!!!”

The baby shower that is this Saturday that grandma and I have been working so hard on? The baby shower that I have been making decorations for? I can’t get the darn pink spray paint off of my hands for YOU and YOU want to just cancel it? Excuse me but you are just acting like a child, mother. You have complained for as long as I have lived that when you were pregnant with me, Grandma never through you a baby shower because she was too embarrassed. Now she is throwing you a HUGE one and you are canceling it because you are mad.

Fights like these happen often in my home. Part of me feels like I need to leave. The other half wants me to stay. I had so much guilt when I left my family for college. Nobody in my family has ever left out of town for college before. So when I tell people that I have to call my family more than 2x a day, they get freaked out. We are so close, so it is weird that I am gone. I have never been away from my mom for more than 4 days. My grandma is so close to me that she is depressed that I am out of the house. Whenever she is going through problems or she just needs to talk, I stay up with her and listen to her. We stay up sometimes till 2am just talking. I can tell her everything. My mom and stepdad are looking for a house. It isn’t going so well. I hate to move. I hate leaving this house. But the reason is because I hate leaving my grandma.

After I graduate I would like to continue on my education and get my Masters in criminology. There is even an internship I can apply to for the FBI. How cool is that? If I got accepted I would have a set job with them. The problem… it’s in Dallas. How could I leave South Texas and Move to North Texas? It is so far away! I can’t leave my family just like that. I can’t. Especially not with a baby sister on the way. I will have a close relationship with her. I don’t care what people say. I will make it happen. It’s just right now. I am tied. I don’t know what to do. I would miss my family too much to leave South Texas permanently. I know it is a lot of thinking ahead but even if I don’t go with the FBI, with the Criminal Justice field, the best place is a large city. Dallas or even Houston would be perfect for me. Maybe I can stay in San Antonio…That isn’t too far away.

Right now I am at a lonely stage in my life. I cut out a lot of said “friends” from my life. I lost my best friend. My family is just tearing apart slowly. I don’t exactly know who to trust anymore. The one person who actually wants to talk to me, I don’t like. The one person I want to hang out with lives a few hundred miles away (I know you’re reading this).

My life is just screwed up right now. I feel like the closer I try to get to God, the more the devil is trying to wreck me.

All because of Red Lipstick that wasn’t my shade.