The reason I can’t sleep at night…

If you took the time to know me, you would know that I don’t do well under stress. Too much stress  and I will break which equals to me crying. I think crying is just some sort of coping tool I use. I cry when I am happy, sad, nervous, too angry, stressed… just over all Emotional. I talked about this in my first post so I am not going to get into too much detail.

I have been talking about it here and there but it really just hit me. I am gonna have a sibling. Like what? I always tell my friends they are like my sister’s or brother’s and it’s true because I genuinely care for them like they are family. But the fact that I am gonna have this living, small, bundle of pink joy… what? After 19 years? There is a 16 year age difference between me and my mom and there is going to be a 19 year age difference between me and my sister? I can’t fathom. I can be her mom. Things keep going through my head. “What if she doesn’t like me?” “I am more of comic book/hardrock/roller derby type girl, what if she grows up to be the biggest girly girl who wants to be a ballerina and she ends up hating me?” (yes people… this is literally what comes to my mind at 3am)

I had multiple people tell me that she will probably think of me more like an aunt. I can’t let that happen. I will do anything to prevent that from happening. I never had siblings. I don’t want to wreck the one chance of actually having a relationship with one. I just hate the fact that I will be 37 when she goes off to college…. aye.

On a side note, we found a house. Well my grandpa found a house. He bought it and will rent it out to my parents. However it needs some repairs. We should be moved in by November. At least we aren’t leaving Corpus… Yet. For a long while, my stepdad was wanting to look for a job in San Antonio. If things don’t get financially better for us, We may have to move. It won’t be for a while though (hopefully).

I am going to try and apply for a few jobs when I get back to school. My education is costing about $2,000 more this Fall semester compared to last semester. I am taking an extra class and another is online (which is a bit more). I had some money saved from financial aid but I used it to pay for summer classes. For some reason it doesn’t apply until the Spring semester. So I am stuck here riding the struggle bus in the Fall. Until Spring comes then I be like…

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I have been praying something comes through. My mom tells me not to worry about it. How can I possibly not worry about it? She works her butt off as it is! Now she has to support another human being?

Just some things that I think about at night….

Maybe I Do Need To Get Out Of Here…

Sometimes I feel like my mere presence causes nothing but problems. Do I just offend and annoy people? Is there something wrong with me? I hate thinking this way because these are the moments where I am furthest from God.

Today I went to the goodwill. I was looking for some clothing so I can upcycle and refashion! This is a new hobby of mine. Turning something old or ugly and making it new! It is really fun because the clothing you make is unique and one of a kind!  In a recent post I had mentioned that I have been getting into the 50s style lately. Just my luck, I found a gorgeous 50s style navy blue dress that Is beautiful itself but I could have done something with it. I tried it on and the more I wore it and looked at myself in the mirror, I realized that it was perfect the way it was. I decided to buy it anyways.

When my grandma came home (By the way for those of you who don’t know, I live in a house with my pregnant mom, step dad, grandma, grandpa and great grandma) she went into my great grandma’s room to watch her novellas (haha). I had showed the dress to momo (my great grandma) earlier, so I wanted to show my grandma. I put up my hair into a bandanna and put on my favorite lipstick and I showed her! They loved it and complemented me. Then my mom walked in. My mom has a way of being brutally honest. She tells me “I don’t like that color lipstick on you”. The lipstick she bought me…. She was there when I tried it on… and now she doesn’t like it…. This is Kat Von D lipstick… $19 dollars…. each….

And that is when Hell froze over

Momo and Mom Conversation

“She is 18 years old!!! She can do what she wants!!!!”

“She’s my kid, I tell her what I want!!!!”

“She’s not your slave!”

“This is what your doing, this is what I need you to do! (yes she quoted master of disguise)”

“BLAHH BLAHHHH BLAHHH BLAHHH!!!!!!!”

“BLAHHHH BLAHHHH BLAHHHH BLAHHHH!!!!!!”

Meanwhile my grandma and I don’t know what to do so we are just like….

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After a little bit of arguing, me and my mom left the room and went into our separate bedrooms. I then heard my grandma and momo arguing. My grandma slammed her door and I knew she was mad because the novella hadn’t finished yet. She then went into my mom’s room and told her to stay out of momo’s room because every time she goes in there, she starts nothing but problems. My mom is furious and starts yelling back at her and utters something I wish she wouldn’t have said.

“Just cancel my baby shower!!!”

The baby shower that is this Saturday that grandma and I have been working so hard on? The baby shower that I have been making decorations for? I can’t get the darn pink spray paint off of my hands for YOU and YOU want to just cancel it? Excuse me but you are just acting like a child, mother. You have complained for as long as I have lived that when you were pregnant with me, Grandma never through you a baby shower because she was too embarrassed. Now she is throwing you a HUGE one and you are canceling it because you are mad.

Fights like these happen often in my home. Part of me feels like I need to leave. The other half wants me to stay. I had so much guilt when I left my family for college. Nobody in my family has ever left out of town for college before. So when I tell people that I have to call my family more than 2x a day, they get freaked out. We are so close, so it is weird that I am gone. I have never been away from my mom for more than 4 days. My grandma is so close to me that she is depressed that I am out of the house. Whenever she is going through problems or she just needs to talk, I stay up with her and listen to her. We stay up sometimes till 2am just talking. I can tell her everything. My mom and stepdad are looking for a house. It isn’t going so well. I hate to move. I hate leaving this house. But the reason is because I hate leaving my grandma.

After I graduate I would like to continue on my education and get my Masters in criminology. There is even an internship I can apply to for the FBI. How cool is that? If I got accepted I would have a set job with them. The problem… it’s in Dallas. How could I leave South Texas and Move to North Texas? It is so far away! I can’t leave my family just like that. I can’t. Especially not with a baby sister on the way. I will have a close relationship with her. I don’t care what people say. I will make it happen. It’s just right now. I am tied. I don’t know what to do. I would miss my family too much to leave South Texas permanently. I know it is a lot of thinking ahead but even if I don’t go with the FBI, with the Criminal Justice field, the best place is a large city. Dallas or even Houston would be perfect for me. Maybe I can stay in San Antonio…That isn’t too far away.

Right now I am at a lonely stage in my life. I cut out a lot of said “friends” from my life. I lost my best friend. My family is just tearing apart slowly. I don’t exactly know who to trust anymore. The one person who actually wants to talk to me, I don’t like. The one person I want to hang out with lives a few hundred miles away (I know you’re reading this).

My life is just screwed up right now. I feel like the closer I try to get to God, the more the devil is trying to wreck me.

All because of Red Lipstick that wasn’t my shade.

Random Midnight Rant!

I needed to let out all the drama going on in my life at the moment. Two different situations. One is destroying my family as we speak and the other situation, I just wish it would go away. I apologize if it drags on or if the grammar isn’t correct. And I am leaving out names so hopefully it doesn’t get too confusing.

Situation 1

My crazy aunt (through marriage) had started drama with my grandma all because of a stupid facebook picture my grandma shared!

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It seems innocent, right? Well my aunt blew it on my grandma saying it was child abuse blah blah blah and for her to take it down because it puts her husband’s (my uncle, my grandma’s son) job on the line because he works in education. Seriously? It is an innocent post. Who is seriously going to take it the wrong way? Well she continues to bash my grandma through facebook. Crazy lady posted a status obviously about my grandmother saying she likes to  strangle kids. Of course everybody sides with the crazy lady. Mean while it hurting me to see my grandmother crying over the obvious pain this lady is causing (all the while my uncle is not doing anything about it). I don’t want to intervene. It is not my fight even though I hate to see my grandmother in pain. Should I step in and say something? Or should I leave it alone? It is starting to become my problem. My aunt later posts a status stating that my grandma is the reason my mom was a teenage mom and the reason my other uncle was a drug addict and a dead beat dad (by the grace of God he has accepted God into his life and made complete change but that is a different story) so that is why they are “horrible people”. Ummm excuse me lady but the same woman who raised that teen mom and drug addict also raised your husband so you have no room to talk since you married one of her kids.

I called her out on it. Once she brought my mom into the picture, I was done. My mom is not the perfect mom but I can tell you that she has done more for me than some people that have both a mom and a dad. I had sweet 16 that I didn’t even ask for. She did that while being a single mom.

She told me she wasn’t talking about my family. Which was a flat out lie but whatever. I told her (politely) to stop harassing my grandma and to stop texting her because she was stressing her out. She responded by deleting and blocking my ENTIRE family off of facebook. O well. Good riddance.

Later my grandfather had bought tickets for the whole family to see Joel Osteen in San Antonio. The crazy lady had originally told him that her and my uncle were going. Well she calls my grandfather a few days before the event (after he buys tickets) and proceeds to tell him that they weren’t going because he is an abomination because he isn’t Catholic and they weren’t going to listen to anyone not Catholic! That made my grandfather rage and my grandfather doesn’t get made easy. Now they are keeping my 3 year old cousin away from my family as a “Consequence of our actions”. Which is killing my great grandma. She won’t get out of bed. She keeps crying every night. It is depressing me. She keeps saying she is going to die soon. Aye. She wants me to bring a boy home (it will apparently make her happy). She thinks it’s my time to get married… ummm not yet momo… not for like 5…10…20…maybe 30 more years! It breaks my heart to leave back to school because I am worried she will be more depressed. However I am hoping she would be able to take care of my baby sister once she is born! I think that would make her happy.

Anyways back to crazy lady. Since my great grandma is no longer watching my cousin, they had to put my cousin into a day in which they are paying about $500 a month! Well when my great grandma was watching him they couldn’t pay her because they “Couldn’t afford it”. A few months before all this drama happened, my grandfather had told my uncle they he would pay my uncle to rent a tux for his friends wedding. Well about a month before the wedding my uncle calls my grandpa up asking if he can still pay for it and my grandfather yells at him. “If you can afford $500 a month for child care, then you can afford your own tux” and He just hangs up the phone. Later the crazy lady calls and says “We will forget everything ever happened and go back to normal if you pay for the tux”. She basically asking for ransom! Ummm no! My family is not going to put up with that bull. After that she goes on my uncles phone and proceeds to “accidentally” block all our phone numbers. Hmmm. My uncle finds out and unblocks us

My grandma later gives in and apologizes (she didn’t even do anything wrong). And crazy lady says “No you have to quit being a coward and hiding behind the phone and say it to my face” (by the way I would NEVER say something like this to my mother in law! So disrespectful and distasteful) and my grandma pleaded with her saying “fine I will” and crazy continues to say “No! you have to bring THE WHOLE family over as well” haha. Yep we are never seeing them ever again. My mother and great grandma would rather die than to apologize for something they weren’t even involved in. aye… and that is just half the story!!!

Situation 2

Well I am not going to get into full detail but I had this friend (lets call her Blue). We use to be best friends and a situation happened where we just became very distant because I know she was going to continue her ways and I didn’t want to follow them. I needed to change and Blue didn’t want to. I was hoping that we could at least stay friends but I guess she didn’t want to because she deleted me off of Facebook. It doesn’t really bug me but I had gotten a skype call from another friend (lets call her Red). Red proceeded to tell me that on her birthday Blue had called her at 3 am singing to her. Red was half asleep so she says “Is this Alissa?”. Apparently that made Blue very very made because she starts saying F– Alissa and all sorts of vulgar things, according to Red. She tells her EVERYTHING that happened between us. Apparently Blue starts cussing my mother out because “She owes her a bottle of Vodka” (My mother had found Vodka in a box and dumped it down the drain).

It doesn’t really bug me that she is not my friend anymore. I cut out a negative person from my life (granted she did a lot for me that I will never be able to repay her for) I tried to keep her in my life but obviously she didn’t want me in it. I am not trying to speak bad of her. I am not trying to get to her level. I wish her the best of luck in everything she does.

On a different note, want to hear an amazing song? I keep listening to this song on repeat! It reminds me of someone I miss!!!! I listen to this song until I fall asleep!

 

 

Is There Discrimination In the Church?

Hello! My name is Alissa and I Lust, I am a gossiper, a liar, I can be prideful, and I have moments of sloth and greed. I am a sinner.

Who are we to Judge other people sins? Tell me. We all have sins and although I can’t justify killing some and relating it to having anger in your heart, God can. In Matthew 5:21-28, Jesus equates committing adultery with having lust in your heart and committing murder with having hatred in your heart. All sin, no matter how “small,” is against an infinite and eternal God, and is therefore worthy of an infinite and eternal penalty. There is no sin too “big” that God cannot forgive it.

Today I went out with a very special friend of mine. She is the sweetest person I have ever met and has an amazing talent when it comes to singing. However she had told me some very disturbing news that left me completely heart broken. There was drama going on in the student ministry of my church. Involving her and her family. It has gotten to the point where they are leaving the church because of it.

Now before I continue I want to share my views so you can see where I stand. I am a Christian and I am a Liberal. I am a Christian Liberal (according to some other “Christians” I am going to Hell for being a Liberal, Isn’t that nice to know?) I support Human Equality. Which means I support… Gay Marriage… “*Gasp* A Christian shouldn’t support Gay Marriage! It’s an abomination!” No. Frankly I don’t care what other “Christians” think of my views. I have them and nobody is going to change my personal opinions. I don’t believe it’s a sin. Sorry if this upsets anybody #Sorrynotsorry

“But it says in the Bible—“

It also says I shouldn’t go to Church while I am on my menstrual cycle. It says we shouldn’t cut our hair or shave. It says we shouldn’t eat Pork. It says we shouldn’t Divorce. If you can give me a justifiable reason why we are so strict on Homosexuality and not the others, then I will at least listen to you. Will I agree with you? Probably not. I have witnessed too many friends/family members and too many problems to change my mind. If this was really a choice that people make, Why are so many Gays killing themselves over it when they can just “change” with the snap of their fingers? However I do also believe in “Truly Gays and Newly Gays” In other words. Some people do choose that lifestyle, due to being sexually abused or just trying to fit in. Am I going to judge them? Of course not and neither should You.

Many people have tried to change my views. Saying things like “Well where it talks about homosexuality and shaving are totally different rules being applied” *Cough Cough* What? It is the same book of Leviticus!

 If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them. (NKJ, Leviticus 20:13)

You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard. (ESV, Leviticus 19:27)

This was my favorite explanation when trying to convince me “Well they all have demons inside possessing them” What? Are you serious? Oh! You are. Well I suppose I have a demon inside of me every time I cut my hair or eat bacon.

Now don’t get me wrong. I respect everybody’s opinion on this subject. And for me to go and say “I think your wrong because of blah blah blah” will make me no better or bigger than the person telling me I am wrong. My opinion might be wrong or it might be right. Whatever the case might be, I will stick to my opinion and I hope and I pray that people will respect it. I will respect your opinion If you respect mine. I will not try to convince you that you’re wrong as long as you don’t try to convince me that I am.

Now back to my friend. Her and her sisters played for the student worship band. They kicked the older sister out for being a lesbian and they threatened my friend to kick her out as well if she didn’t change what she wore because she looked “Gay”. Apparently Plaid shirts and hats are guys apparel. I don’t blame the girls. They were molested by their father and after that, the older sister turned lesbian and my friend is Bi-sexual. How could you trust men after your own father, someone you loved and trusted, did that to you? I couldn’t.

I don’t believe that was right.  We are called to be like Jesus. Do you really think that Jesus would say “O you are gay, You can’t worship me”. No. Jesus would never say that. So why kick these girls out? They are discriminating against them.

“You still can’t be a ‘Good Christian’ and believe in Human equality, that is not what God wants.” Well maybe I don’t want to follow your God.

The God I follow is a righteous and Just God. He is loving and Forgiving of ALL SINS! He will accept ANYONE who has HIM in their hearts!

That is the God I follow and will always follow.

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I want your opinions (You can leave comments but lets try to be civil here).

 

 

 

 

 

High School Never Ends…

I love Bowling For Soup. They have a song for every situation you can think of. Funny or serious. They are one of my favorite bands! They can relate so much! You might know them by the Phineas and Ferb theme song!!! Yes… That was them! There is a hundred and four days of summer vacation… (I know you want to finish the song)

I actually got a chance to meet them!

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As much as I love Bowling For Soup, this post isn’t exactly about them. It is about what happened to me today. I am going into my 2nd year of college and I am proud to say I survived the first year! This week has taken a bit of a toll on me but I am passing my classes so that is all that matters to me. I will take the stress and I will take my white hairs…

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But what happened to me hasn’t happened in like what? Almost 2 years?

My friend and I carpool to school everyday. I finished much earlier than she did, so I decided to go to the student center to study for another final. While over there I realized that there was some sort of high school state choir trip. I am not exactly sure what it was. I was at a table alone and you can tell that even though these were all choir kids, they still had their own groups. This one boy asked if he could sit at my table. I had no problem with it, he wasn’t going to bug me. Or so I thought.

This boy didn’t have enough money to pay for a drink and I felt bad for him so I gave him enough coins for him to pay for a soda. After that he asks if I could watch his stuff. This boy didn’t come back for 30 minutes. Granted I would’ve been there anyways  but what if it was anyone else? If I had to leave, Should I have just left his stuff? What would I have done?

When the boy comes back he starts asking me questions about my major. I thought it was really weird figuring this kid doesn’t even know my name but I don’t want to be rude. This is exactly how the conversation played out… I kid you not….

Me: O I am majoring in Criminal Justice.

Him: What exactly do you want to do with that?

Me: I would like to become a detective but I am also looking into the criminology field.

Him: So what do you think your first job will be?

Me: Well that just depends on which way I choose to go. If I lean more with the detective field, I am going to have to become a police officer first.

Him: *Snicker* You realize physical training is involved right?

(I knew exactly what he was referring to and I knew where this conversation was heading)

Me: Yes I do know that.

Him: So what exactly have you been doing to train for your physical fitness? Or do you even train at all?

Me: Yes I have been doing—-

Him: Remote Control Exercises don’t count!

 

I stayed at that table for a good 5 minutes at the table (I didn’t want to show him that I was weak or upset). One of my other friends who likes to bike to the campus to come and see me had messaged me saying he was outside. I got up and left and as soon as I saw him, I broke down crying.

Maybe he wasn’t purposely trying to be mean. Maybe he was. But it hurt. A lot. I realize I am over weight. You don’t have to point it out or be mean about it. Since being home for the Summer, I have lost 15 pounds. I have been drinking nothing but water (okay I cheated this week with coffee) I have cut out fried food, I have cut down my portions, I workout everyday. And I am making progress and that comment he made, made me feel like all the progress doesn’t even matter.

I am not as strong as I show to be. Physically yeah. I can tough out a lot of things… I can take some derby and paintball wounds (let me tell you). but Emotionally? Not at all. You mention my weight and I break down. I am not perfect y’all! I am a plus size girl who can get very insecure at times.

The lesson here? This Will push me harder! This will motivate me to try harder. And to be the very best that I can be!

Ugh High school never ends does it?

Makeup or No Makeup? That is the Question!

I have never been the biggest fan of makeup. Don’t get me wrong. I have those days where I feel spontaneous and I will put some on but I have never been the type to pile it on. If that is you, that is fine. There is nothing wrong with that. It is just my personal preference. I touch my face a lot, I sweat a lot and I live in South Texas heat. What is the point in putting it on if it will smear off in less than an hour? I am not going to be constantly re-applying it. Sorry but ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.

Now even though I am a firm believer that your future spouse should love you for what is on the inside and not what you look like, I still believe you need to take yourself. Of course you’re going to have those days where sweats and a baggy t-shirt sound like heaven and every once and awhile that is okay (You wear that and you wear that proud). Nothing is wrong with that. But everyday? No. You need to take care of yourself. What do you think your teachers think of you when you come to class everyday in pajamas or sweats? Very unprofessional. Am I saying you need to wear makeup? No. But fix your hair, get dressed. That is what I mean when I say take care of yourself.

Now there is this little “myth” I guess that is what you could call it, that women do. Whenever women want change, they physically change their appearance, usually by makeup, a new hairstyle, hair color or what have you. I never use to believe it but I started noticing after my 4th ear piercing. I had originally started off with red hair dye and it made its way up to piercings.

Maybe that is why so many girls pile on makeup. Maybe not. Maybe that is why so many people have tattoos and piercings. Maybe not. Either way, it is not our place to judge.

SO… 

I put on makeup last night…

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I have found a love for the 50’s style fashion. I have started collecting bandannas to put in my hair! And wait for it…. I have bought FANCY RED LIPSTICK!!! Now of course this will only be applied maybe once in a blue moon (Okay but I am in love with the lipstick) like I was discussing earlier but I have admitted to you that I have found that I love this era’s fashion!!!

But I also want to upload this photo

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If you get to know me, this is me 98% percent of the time. No makeup. And I am perfectly Fine with it. Because I am beautiful either way. Just like every girl out there. No matter what you look like. No matter if you have makeup or no makeup on. No matter what race you are. What size. You are beautiful.

“Hey, girls, you’re beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not good enough. You’re good enough, you are too good. Love your family with all your heart and listen to it. You are gorgeous, whether you’re a size 4 or 14. It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside, as long as you’re a good person, as long as you respect others. I know it’s been told hundreds of times before, but it’s true. Hey, girls, you are beautiful.” – Gerard Way (Lead singer of My Chemical Romance)

^^^^The fact that Gerard Way said that? Uh swoon?! Ha!

 

 

The Cause of My White Hairs!

It is 11:00 pm on a Sunday night and I am making myself a cup (maybe 2) of the strongest coffee I have in my house. That probably won’t even help me. I was hoping that blogging would help my sleep disorder but right now I can’t diagnosis if it helping due to the fact that I have to stay up and do homework. Taking on 9 hours for one Summer session wasn’t my best idea but I think once this week is over, It will be worth it.

This week is the last week (Finals) and I have my History final Tuesday, A sociology test due by Thursday, My sociology Final due by Thursday and my Criminal Investigations Final due by Thursday. The only one I am actually stressing over is History. You want to know why? Well We have a week in between each test. Which means I only had a week to study for this final. That is a short time in itself.

My professor told us before the weekend “I will update the study guide as soon as I get home”. He always updates it before the exam but it is normally just a few definitions that he changes. The whole weekend passes by and I checked it everyday. No changes. Sunday at 10 o clock I get a notification that he has changed the study guide. This man has changed EVERY SINGLE DEFINITION IN THE DARN STUDY GUIDE! I had worked and studied for an entire week on these definitions. Less than 2 days before Our Final exam he changes all 61 definitions! (by the way do you know how much that bugs me!? Why not make it 60!?). They are just definitions. I don’t want to complain. But when you made flash cards throughout the week and studied and were 100% you were going to make an A… It kind of makes you upset. I don’t have time to make flash cards. It is pointless at this point. 

No sleeping for the next 2 days!… I am stressing so much right now! Even my headache medicine hasn’t seem to be working. It has lost its Mojo. 

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