If you took the time to know me, you would know that I don’t do well under stress. Too much stress and I will break which equals to me crying. I think crying is just some sort of coping tool I use. I cry when I am happy, sad, nervous, too angry, stressed… just over all Emotional. I talked about this in my first post so I am not going to get into too much detail.
I have been talking about it here and there but it really just hit me. I am gonna have a sibling. Like what? I always tell my friends they are like my sister’s or brother’s and it’s true because I genuinely care for them like they are family. But the fact that I am gonna have this living, small, bundle of pink joy… what? After 19 years? There is a 16 year age difference between me and my mom and there is going to be a 19 year age difference between me and my sister? I can’t fathom. I can be her mom. Things keep going through my head. “What if she doesn’t like me?” “I am more of comic book/hardrock/roller derby type girl, what if she grows up to be the biggest girly girl who wants to be a ballerina and she ends up hating me?” (yes people… this is literally what comes to my mind at 3am)
I had multiple people tell me that she will probably think of me more like an aunt. I can’t let that happen. I will do anything to prevent that from happening. I never had siblings. I don’t want to wreck the one chance of actually having a relationship with one. I just hate the fact that I will be 37 when she goes off to college…. aye.
On a side note, we found a house. Well my grandpa found a house. He bought it and will rent it out to my parents. However it needs some repairs. We should be moved in by November. At least we aren’t leaving Corpus… Yet. For a long while, my stepdad was wanting to look for a job in San Antonio. If things don’t get financially better for us, We may have to move. It won’t be for a while though (hopefully).
I am going to try and apply for a few jobs when I get back to school. My education is costing about $2,000 more this Fall semester compared to last semester. I am taking an extra class and another is online (which is a bit more). I had some money saved from financial aid but I used it to pay for summer classes. For some reason it doesn’t apply until the Spring semester. So I am stuck here riding the struggle bus in the Fall. Until Spring comes then I be like…
I have been praying something comes through. My mom tells me not to worry about it. How can I possibly not worry about it? She works her butt off as it is! Now she has to support another human being?
Just some things that I think about at night….